What Us Fells Need
A buddy and I were talking the other day about how hard it is to be motivated as a man to get out there and make things happen when a spouse is less than supportive and exudes negativity.
Some general thoughts after the conversation: Fellas, understand that women innately crave a certain stability to life whereas we may be more inclined to say "all is well" and not show our stress. Ladies, understand that we don't really LIKE to talk that much so please show your appreciation when we endure while you tell us everything that's on your mind. If we say "cool" it doesn't mean we're not interested... It means we think what you just told us is in fact "Cool!". We just don't naturally elaborate. Research shows that women use 21,000 communications per day including spoken words, gestures, and body language. Us men? About 7000 if you're lucky.
We also figured out that to measure up in today's world there is a lot of pressure on the male to lead, provide comfortably for a family, and be an equal partner in helping to raise balanced and capable kids. And we CAN do those things effectively...but we desperately need just a few key things from you, the gals in our life, to pull it off.
1. Positive Encouragement. There is nothing tougher to overcome than to start your day with a lack of positive energy coming from the woman you chose to share your life with. And that's if your job, health, etc are looking good. How much more demoralizing is it if those critical elements of your responsibility as a man happen to be spiraling downward. Logic (that's that thing guys are governed by) would tell you THAT is precisely when positive words and encouragement are the MOST needed.
2. Basic Respect. If two people cannot come to a basic agreement of respect for one another then disagreements will turn to fights, hurt feelings, and dysfunctional misunderstanding and walls will be built that become barriers to happiness. If you can agree on a set of ground rules, lines that you are not willing to cross...even when emotions are flaring... you will be able to solve any problem with your husband. If he feels like his manhood is cut down to size through harsh and unfair accusations or labels (stupid, lazy, etc) or is being spoken to as if he were one of the children he is preprogrammed to protect his territory in man-dom and he probably will. Every human being deserves basic respect, especially the one who you said "I Do" to. This ought to be very useful knowledge to any woman. Treat him with respect and you'll almost always get what you want from him.
3. Your Trust and Confidence. When a male hears positive reinforcement and feels like he has someone to build him up who's in his corner he is buoyed up by it. It can, in most cases, help him become something that he realistically may not yet be. Is it lying for one spouse to express to another that they have good qualities or characteristics that they actually are deficient in? No, it's called faith and trust. It is your responsibility to help your spouse be the most capable, happy, productive person possible. Without a spouses confidence motivation is zapped and it takes a very strong person to still realize their potential. Remember, if your man is happy and motivated you will reap the benefits in your home with him and with your kids.
4. Physical "Fun". Need I elaborate on this one? When I'm gone for a week on a job and come home... What is my wife looking forward to from me? To do the dishes and get a back massage. And I do both very well. What am I looking forward to? Yep, you guessed it. Nookie. We have different physical needs, and that's okay! Luckily in our case, one often leads to another, so that's peachy. It might take a woman half a day to decide she's in the mood for fun, but it takes a guy about 3 seconds.
Ladies, if you want to really arm your man with confidence and a sense of "accomplishment" if you want to call it that... fire up some intimacy before he heads off to bring home the pig. I guarantee you he'll think about you later in the day and coming days and that's something you want. Another very crucial thing it does is satisfy that male craving to have that part of life hittin on all cylinders. There is a certain pride that is attached to that. Doesn't mean that he'll even brag or tell anyone about it. But he doesn't have to... It will show in that sales training conference he's putting together or that meeting with an important client to seal the deal. You see, he already feels like he's sealed the deal back at home... so bring it on!
These are things that I've learned by working together with my wife...whom I must say has helped me greatly in these areas. We still work on this stuff all the time but she is becoming good at identifying my need to have her confidence, trust, and respect. It motivates me to do even more for her when I feel like she is behind me 100%. It's a win for both of us and our boys reap those benefits. She is also very good at building me up to our boys. Hopefully she doesn't have to fabricate good things to say about me. It's important that children see your confidence and trust in their dad. If there are problems or hurdles to jump over they shouldn't be broadcast to the young kids because you end up pitting them against your spouse which is so disrespectful to him. Focus on the good things and it just might inspire him to do them more.
Written on a plane to Denver...
Some general thoughts after the conversation: Fellas, understand that women innately crave a certain stability to life whereas we may be more inclined to say "all is well" and not show our stress. Ladies, understand that we don't really LIKE to talk that much so please show your appreciation when we endure while you tell us everything that's on your mind. If we say "cool" it doesn't mean we're not interested... It means we think what you just told us is in fact "Cool!". We just don't naturally elaborate. Research shows that women use 21,000 communications per day including spoken words, gestures, and body language. Us men? About 7000 if you're lucky.
We also figured out that to measure up in today's world there is a lot of pressure on the male to lead, provide comfortably for a family, and be an equal partner in helping to raise balanced and capable kids. And we CAN do those things effectively...but we desperately need just a few key things from you, the gals in our life, to pull it off.
1. Positive Encouragement. There is nothing tougher to overcome than to start your day with a lack of positive energy coming from the woman you chose to share your life with. And that's if your job, health, etc are looking good. How much more demoralizing is it if those critical elements of your responsibility as a man happen to be spiraling downward. Logic (that's that thing guys are governed by) would tell you THAT is precisely when positive words and encouragement are the MOST needed.
2. Basic Respect. If two people cannot come to a basic agreement of respect for one another then disagreements will turn to fights, hurt feelings, and dysfunctional misunderstanding and walls will be built that become barriers to happiness. If you can agree on a set of ground rules, lines that you are not willing to cross...even when emotions are flaring... you will be able to solve any problem with your husband. If he feels like his manhood is cut down to size through harsh and unfair accusations or labels (stupid, lazy, etc) or is being spoken to as if he were one of the children he is preprogrammed to protect his territory in man-dom and he probably will. Every human being deserves basic respect, especially the one who you said "I Do" to. This ought to be very useful knowledge to any woman. Treat him with respect and you'll almost always get what you want from him.
3. Your Trust and Confidence. When a male hears positive reinforcement and feels like he has someone to build him up who's in his corner he is buoyed up by it. It can, in most cases, help him become something that he realistically may not yet be. Is it lying for one spouse to express to another that they have good qualities or characteristics that they actually are deficient in? No, it's called faith and trust. It is your responsibility to help your spouse be the most capable, happy, productive person possible. Without a spouses confidence motivation is zapped and it takes a very strong person to still realize their potential. Remember, if your man is happy and motivated you will reap the benefits in your home with him and with your kids.
4. Physical "Fun". Need I elaborate on this one? When I'm gone for a week on a job and come home... What is my wife looking forward to from me? To do the dishes and get a back massage. And I do both very well. What am I looking forward to? Yep, you guessed it. Nookie. We have different physical needs, and that's okay! Luckily in our case, one often leads to another, so that's peachy. It might take a woman half a day to decide she's in the mood for fun, but it takes a guy about 3 seconds.
Ladies, if you want to really arm your man with confidence and a sense of "accomplishment" if you want to call it that... fire up some intimacy before he heads off to bring home the pig. I guarantee you he'll think about you later in the day and coming days and that's something you want. Another very crucial thing it does is satisfy that male craving to have that part of life hittin on all cylinders. There is a certain pride that is attached to that. Doesn't mean that he'll even brag or tell anyone about it. But he doesn't have to... It will show in that sales training conference he's putting together or that meeting with an important client to seal the deal. You see, he already feels like he's sealed the deal back at home... so bring it on!
These are things that I've learned by working together with my wife...whom I must say has helped me greatly in these areas. We still work on this stuff all the time but she is becoming good at identifying my need to have her confidence, trust, and respect. It motivates me to do even more for her when I feel like she is behind me 100%. It's a win for both of us and our boys reap those benefits. She is also very good at building me up to our boys. Hopefully she doesn't have to fabricate good things to say about me. It's important that children see your confidence and trust in their dad. If there are problems or hurdles to jump over they shouldn't be broadcast to the young kids because you end up pitting them against your spouse which is so disrespectful to him. Focus on the good things and it just might inspire him to do them more.
Written on a plane to Denver...
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